You feel stuck in your life, beware of parental, social and historical patterns.
You feel trapped in your life by patterns that you do not recognise.
Parentals patterns.
They are our first role models. We grew up watching them. We have consciously and unconsciously imprinted ourselves with their way of loving themselves, of loving us. “They? Our parents. And yet, as adults, we don’t necessarily want to resemble them and we don’t want to reproduce what we consider to be their mistakes.
It is difficult, however, to free ourselves from these parental patterns, as they are so much a part of each person’s psychological history.
How can we avoid becoming as possessive as our mother, as jealous as our father? How can we avoid adopting the same attitudes with our spouse that we found difficult to bear when they came from our parents?
“Gaining true emotional independence”.
Why is it so difficult, even though we want to, not to take on the same roles as our parents? “Because acquiring true emotional independence is not an easy task
This fear of repeating the mistakes of one’s parents, of becoming ‘like them’, is very often repeated, yet it is quite possible to break free from these parental patterns.
“But this implies working on one’s autonomy as a subject”.
In other words, proclaiming loudly and clearly that we will not be like our father or mother, that we will not be as strict with our children as our mother was with us or, on the contrary, as lax, does not help much. “Repeating too much that you don’t want to be or that you are not like your parents is ultimately proof that you have not emerged from this influence, that you continue to see yourself in relation to them.
The key is to be clear about who your parents are.
“The key is to be clear about what corresponds to us in them — and there are necessarily things that suit us in what they are and what they have bequeathed to us — and what we do not wish to reproduce. It is necessary to accept the idea that one can love one’s parents while being aware of what we dislike or are weighed down by their way of being”.
As long as we are blinded — positively or negatively — by the father or mother figure, it is quite complicated to emancipate ourselves from them.” The adolescent crisis, a model for moving forward.
“This is the role of the adolescent crisis”.
During this crucial stage of an individual’s psychological development, there is generally a phase of almost systematic questioning of parents. They are no longer the untouchable heroes of childhood, their faults are obvious, their decisions are challenged.
This can be a moderately easy period for parents, but it is essential for teenagers who are in the process of building themselves. It is often striking that adults who are struggling to free themselves from the parental model have not had a ‘real’ teenage crisis.
“We probably need to go through detestation, to close a door, to be able to make our own way. It is then up to us to sort out what we want to keep and what we prefer to leave on the sidelines”.
Social and historical patterns.
By the very terms, social cognition refers to the cognitivist approach in psychology. In this perspective, social objects are subject to schema-like mental representations.
For example, the concept of a teacher would be part of a schema with attributes such as authority, knowledge and examples of teachers who have marked us. According to cognitivist theory, the activation of a concept (by an element of the context, by an active reminiscence, or otherwise) is supposed to facilitate the accessibility of its schema and the concepts linked to it. Thus, in the social sphere, interaction with a given individual would activate a series of schemas that would themselves influence our social cognition through what they evoke.
For example, if an individual is presented to us as a teacher, our judgement could be biased by the schema activated by this concept: this individual will seem knowledgeable or authoritarian depending on the mental representations associated with the activated schema.
This perspective thus offers an explanation to the phenomena of prejudice, racism, but also friendship…
The influence of others, the information, the societal functioning conditions us.
The biological clock for women. Having a child is still something that is almost obligatory in the collective consciousness and if at 30 or more you have not yet had one you are categorised.
It’s not just hormonal, it’s also a form of social pressure.
We also see it in the professional context. If you are intensely curious and can’t stand doing the same thing with the same people, you are called unstable, when you are just different and have a thirst for learning that doesn’t allow you to do the same thing all the time. This is the case for HP people. This is what social patterns and related beliefs look like.
It is the same for historical patterns, depending on the history of your country the collective consciousness and patterns are built in the same way, colonial, revolutionary, libertarian, whatever in your patterns beliefs related to this history, influence your functioning.
We have a hard to repress need to preserve them, because human beings have a strong instinct for consistency. A pattern is something familiar; we feel safe in it despite the harm it does to us. It therefore becomes very difficult to change it. Moreover, these patterns take shape in our childhood to enable us to adapt to our family situation. Such scenarios were realistic in our youth, but the problem arises when we continue to replay them after they have lost their usefulness. — Jeffrey Young
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